Life as a PhD Student- The Background

I wanted to start writing about my experiences as a student of Ph.D in Panjab University. But as I started writing I felt the need to go a little deeper and wonder at how I reached this stage of pursuing a doctorate.

There are people who are very focused on what they want in life, they know and they pursue and more or less achieve what they want. But I was not like that. I was and still am a dreamer, a dreamer of all things beautiful, of a certain world, of a thought, of something beyond thought and experience, something very close and still far away, something my own and still to be searched, to be experienced. Though it all sounds vague but for me it was very real.  So even though I always experienced life as a little away from life, as if in a dream and would not and could not ever be called a very practical person, I knew, really knew, deeply,clearly what gave me happiness. I was always aware about what attracted me. I always would listen to my heart and read its messages quiet correctly. I could always hear my inner self directing and wanting expression in a particular area of my life. What I mean is that thought I didn't know that as a lover of knowledge, the practical choice of career would be a field of research and teaching, I did know that I have to be where knowledge is disseminated. I have to be where people come together to talk and discuss about thoughts and knowledge. I knew that I wanted to be in the world of ideas. And I was so, so keen to reach that place. But on deep thought would not be able to decide the direction to take, or which field to pursue. I had this vague idea about pursuing higher education. But then I also felt that I was already in a permanent job, doing well professionally, married, with a daughter and the path of life kind of already charted out for me. And humans you know sometimes feel that life follows a certain fixed path. But life... IT IS DYNAMIC. It changes and it changes suddenly. And it changed for me. Now even when it changed I still had no idea that that I want to pursue PhD, I did know that I want to study, know more and more about this world, experience the sublimity of this life, to reach the very core of knowledge, to understand and to experience myself. My thirst of knowledge would not let me sleep. But the problem was that I didn't even know what knowledge was. Ha! funny me. I would read one book after another, delve into one stream after the other, check out different subjects, genres, streams and areas of knowledge, flitting from Philosophy to Psychology to English to Research, to Sciences, to Arts and back again. This thirst for knowledge could not be satisfied. I could enjoy every subject that I read, could understand and develop a taste for all that I came across. It made sense, it held my interest, I would grow with it, learn from it but then would let it go to come back to it again. I moved in spirals but it was a rising spiral. Every time I would reach new grounds and would experience the same world in new colors. Oh it was a beautiful journey. It was really beautiful! But PhD was not on my mind.

I never really planned life. I usually let it happen:)) And life did happen. but it wasn't a directionless life. Nah! Far from it. I feel it was the most beautiful way of existence. To just be and letting the next scene unfold. Life guided me from one check post to the next, sometimes slowly and sometimes taking me on a roller-coast ride, giving me numerous experiences, varied experiences. Every scene different, every experience new. 

There were times when I questioned life vehemently. Questioned my choices. Questioned the decisions that I made. But overall life was fun. 

And then I reached the stage where after so many experiences in life, in my efforts to grow and to learn, I still felt inadequate. My thirst for knowledge was still not satisfied. I knew I wanted more. But what and how was not clear to me. It was at such a time that I reached on the shores of an ocean of knowledge. Yes, I reached... Panjab University. A new journey was about to begin, a whole new world of knowledge was about to be divulged to me. At last I knew that I would know what I wanted to know all my life. It was time to grow and to experience the world of knowledge and I WAS READY...!

Knowing beyond what we know...

The adage ‘we know’ brings with it a multitude of further questions - How do we know that we know? And if we know that we know then how do we know how much we know? Or whether what we know is true, correct, complete, and adequate? Is it the absolute truth, unquestionable, unchangeable? We know that absolute truth is with the absolute and we all are searching for it; so the knowledge of anything cannot be confirmed absolutely by the self, it is at best a postulate, open to testing and questioning. And question we must- to learn, to know. Knowing something means to be personally convinced of its truth. But the personal element here again makes it questionable.It is liable to be challenged; the personal definition can evolve and grow. That’s what life is- to successively know the better answer, to update the existing ones till we reach the ultimate truth. The firm, unchangeable, unbeatable truth.

Till we reach there, lets question and go on questioning every paradigm that we hold. Lets search the meaning behind a meaning, the question within the answer, lets not accept things as given, lets question, lets challenge the accepted ideologies and notions and norms and lets fight the lethargy, the conformity to a set way of life and thinking and get ready to experience the roller coaster ride to the ultimate.

Books and Me- Thats life

Books and Me- that's how I know life and believe me I don't exaggerate! For as long as I remember, I have been an avid book reader. They have been a constant companion to me. Like a loved one they have traveled with me, given me solace and love throughout the many ups and downs that life has taken me through, never ever giving up on me. Like a good friend they have advised me, held my hand as I staggered to take that tough first step and shown great faith in me through the toughest of life's battles. When lost and confused, people look for friends and family. I have always looked for my books. While people enjoy their talks and discussions, I like to snuggle with a book and fly with them into the unknown world of beauty and freedom; unhindered, unconstrained and unimpeded. Through them I have seen the unseen, known the unknown, felt the unfelt and lived through innumerable miracles. I have grown with them, felt the worlds changing, new worlds unfolding and old ones melting. Life does not scare me. Nothing it seems is left to be questioned. It’s all just a journey, a quite long journey to be traveled by me, with me. As I cross one milestone after another, I have for companion my thoughts, which also grow and develop in constant conversations with books. In the outside world I might or might not find resonance of my thoughts and that's the hard truth. But it has to be accepted Moreover people come together to fulfill their own needs and aspirations. Unknowingly and falsely they call it love, friendship or passion, but at the root of it all is just a plain need to fulfill oneself, to complete one’s own incompleteness. They come and discuss thoughts, sometimes their own problems, find solace in each other but unfortunately they cannot be your 'all time' travel companions. They move apart, have their own lives to deal with, their own issues to face and resolve. The twain just does not meet. It takes too long to explain oneself and still they will see what they want to see or they will simply be limited by their own experiences in life. No one in this world can see the world through your glasses, simply because they are your glasses. They have their own world-view and their interpretation would always be their own, of your circumstances yes but still their own. So, words at best can just touch the tip of what you feel and believe in. They become redundant; they cannot explain even half a percent of what you feel. So you are still unexplained, still wanting someone to come along and fill that gap, to be there, to understand you completely. For me that someone have been my books.. They have held me close, understood and spoken the language I want to hear. They have heard me out me and given solution that best suited my need. They have never led me astray, never given wrong advice and always cared. They don't compare their lives with me and make me feel either superior or inferior. They just let me be and with each good book I grow a little more, learn a little better, and feel a little more grown up and the unattainable, the unknown and the unexplained seems a little more understood. May this journey continue unabated and my romance with books take me to new heights for times to come. Amen!